Compassionate Friends

This night was so special. It was when she and I had our date to see The Lion King broadway musical. I was so proud of her. She was so sweet and excited about the show. We pointed and cheered and clapped and sang and had a wonderful mommy/daughter time. I miss you, sweet girl.

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So, my grief counseling wasn't turning out to be what I had expected or wanted so I decided to try out a group she told me about called The Compassionate Friends (TCF). They are a self-help group made up of bereaved parents, mostly. The group welcomes siblings and grandparents as well. I found my local chapter and went to the meeting last night (they meet once a month). It was so wonderful. Everyone- EVERYONE there had lost a child. Most of them as adults- Alexa was by far the youngest, but losing a child at any age is the worst imaginable pain. I felt immediately at home in the group and although it was hard to even introduce myself and tell about Alexa, it was extremely cathartic, healing and very much what I needed. I have a feeling I will be a part of this group for a LONG time. The facilitators were those whose child had been gone for a number of years and in turn they are helping the newly grieving through the process. It is a wonderful group and I highly recommend it for anyone who has lost their child.

While I was there I picked up a pamphlet: How Can I Help. . . When a Child Dies? I have been thinking about posting about this for a while and with the encouragement of some friends I am going to. Just after Alexa's death a few people (including family members) said some things to me that were extremely hurtful, unknowingly of course, but hurtful nonetheless. I thought it would be a good idea to list a sort of Do's and Don't when it comes to the death of a child. The following comes from the flyers I got at the meeting and I have extracted the ones that I most identify with, or those that I have heard often from others. I hope it can help in some way.

THINGS THAT MAKE US ANGRY (DON'TS)

1. Those that don't want to talk about or listen to us talk about our dead child.
2. People who fail to realize the depth of our loss
3. Those who say the wrong things, or worse, say nothing.
4. Other parents who don't appreciate or abuse their own children.
5. Those who complain of things that seem so petty compared to the death of our child.
6. Saying that he/she is in a better place- they are not HERE
7. People saying at least they are not suffering anymore- We haven't come to terms with why they had to suffer in the first place.
8. Saying you know how we feel, UNLESS you have also lost a child.
9. Asking if we feel better. Bereavement doesn't "clear up"
10. Saying God never makes a mistake or that He never gives us more than we can handle. He did this on purpose? and Who can decide how much another person can bear?
11. Saying that at least we got the time we did- What year would YOU choose for your child to die?
12. People feeling to need to defend God when we are angry at Him or confused. Grieving people don't need their feelings about God stifled or redirected. God can handle the anger of humans and it is a natural process of grief.
13. Saying anything that begins with "You should. . ." ESPECIALLY when it comes to the idea of having another child. That implies that the dead child is replacable and also is NOT a decision for anyone but the bereaved.
14. Saying anything like, "At least you have other children." There are no words that make it alright that a child has died.

THINGS THAT HELP (DO'S)

1. Don't try for the magic words. A simple "I'm so sorry" is sufficient.
2. Don't be afraid to cry. Tears area tribute to the child. The parents may cry too, but that is healthy.
3. Listen. Let them express the anger, pain, questions, disbelief. Parents have a need to talk about their child's death over and over again. A gentle, "Can you tell me about it?" is helpful.
4. Encourage parents' forms of remembrances such as pictures of the child and stories.
5. Be aware that the death may raise questions about God. Do not presume to offer answers, just listen and allow the parent to explore their own feelings.
6. Be there- run errands, provide childcare, bring meals. If you ask them to call if they need anything be aware that that call may never come. Offer specific tasks.
7. Give special attention to surviving children. They are in pain too and often feel like they do not want to add to their parents grief so they are quiet. Talk to them and acknowledge their loss.
8. Mention the name of the dead child. Share fond memories. Don't be afraid of bringing up pain- the opposite is usually true. Talking about the child lets parents know they are not alone in remembering their child.
9. Include the child's memory at holidays. Don't presume that making changes to the traditions at holiday times will be helpful. The opposite is usually true.
10. Be patient. Grieving takes time and there is no time table, especially for the loss of a child.
11. Remember the family on special days like the child's birthday or death anniversary.
12. Don't expect the family to ever be the same.
13. Continue contact with the family. Grief doesn't end at the funeral. Stay in touch like normal and mention the child's name as any other member in the family.
14. Gently encourage outside activity like a movie or shopping.


MENTION THE CHILD, MENTION THE CHILD, MENTION THE CHILD!!!!! (That's just from me.) I hate it when people have a whole conversation with me and don't talk about Alexa. OR I will bring her up to show them I like talking about her and the people clam up, don't say anything and act all uncomforable. I will never stop talking about her, so better get used to it, right? MOST people in our lives have been fantastic. Thank goodness for incredible family, friends and strangers who have helped us on our journey. Keep following us- we have a lot of life to live and a lot of love to spread.